How to stop temper tantrums
Your health expert: Dr Robin Clarke, Medical Director, Bupa UK Insurance
Publish date 17/06/2024.
Next review 17/06/2025.
Dr Robin Clark explores the data increases we’ve seen around tantrums, the possible reasons why, and a technique that may help to parents to cope with them.
What do the search engines say?
Google search volume data from October 2022 to October 2023 shows that more parents are turning to Google for help with their child’s behaviour.
In particular, temper tantrum related searches. The data shows:
Terrible twos meaning
Searches have doubled.
16-month-old tantrums
Searches have doubled.
Severe temper tantrums in 2-year-olds
Searches have doubled.
Temper tantrum meaning
Searches have doubled.
How to deal with tantrums
Using the acronym R.I.D.D can help parents to effectively handle their children’s tantrums. This technique, originally covered in a 2021 study1, can give parents a good framework to help cope with tantrums and help keep you calm.
Remain calm
Focus on keeping your cool and avoiding the temptation to raise your voice. State to your child simply and calmly the behaviour you’d like them to stop, eg please stop kicking.
Ignore the tantrum
Whether they’re screaming, kicking, or biting, do your best to keep quiet and neutral when addressing your child. If the tantrum happens in public, try your best to ignore any looks from those around you to reduce feelings of embarrassment.
Distract
Distractions can be an effective way to diffuse a tantrum. If their tantrum is particularly strong, leave the room (if it’s safe to) and wait for them to calm down.
Alternatively, you could use your immediate environment to point out something interesting to your child, eg one of their favourite toys. The key is to use your voice to make the distraction sound as entertaining as possible.
Don’t give in to the child’s demands
Prioritise keeping your child safe and physically well, rather than reinforcing undesirable behaviours. If they’re upset because you’ve told them they can’t do or have something, it may be tempting to give in. If they learn that tantrums result in rewards, there’s a higher chance they’ll have others in the future on purpose.
Are tantrums getting worse?
Dr Robin Clark says,
“The search growth we’ve seen around tantrums suggests that more parents and carers are struggling with their children’s behaviour. Searches around severe tantrums have doubled, which suggests more parents are spotting changes in the ways their children are expressing themselves.
“Research2 shows that babies born during the pandemic may find learning social skills more difficult. Our findings suggest many children may still be facing these challenges.
“Another possible cause could be that these severe tantrums are being learned from their peers, or older siblings.
“Tantrums are a common and normal part of your child’s development as they explore boundaries and learn ways to express their frustrations. Every child is different, but tantrums usually stop once they’re around four years old. This is because their vocabulary has usually grown by this time, so it’s likely you’ll be able to have a two-way conversation about what’s distressing them.
“Severe tantrums may be particularly challenging to deal with, so if you’re concerned about the way your child is expressing themselves, it’s always advisable to speak to a health professional to rule out anything of note.”
Toddler tantrums: when to worry
If you’re finding it impossible to calm your child’s tantrums, it might be a sign that they could benefit from extra health support. Especially if they seem to begin over nothing.
Some health conditions, such as ADHD and autism, can increase the chance of tantrums that don’t have an obvious cause.
Tell-tale signs that your child may need additional support
- Their age: 5-year-olds and tantrums are rarer, as by this age. their communication skills have usually developed.
- They cause injuries: Severe tantrums, where your child hurts themselves, others or property should be discussed with a health professional.
- They’re inconsolable: Some children hold their breath during a tantrum. If they hold it for so long it makes them faint, talk to a health professional.
- They have other symptoms: If their tantrums lead to headaches or stomach aches, or they seem particularly anxious, it’s a good idea to chat this through with a health professional.
Temper tantrums: help for parents
Tantrums can really test your patience, especially if your toddler has them frequently. You might worry that whatever you do doesn’t seem to help, or that others seem to cope better with their toddler’s tantrums than you do with yours. This may impact your confidence and self-esteem.
Don’t suffer alone if you’re struggling. Share how you’re feeling with someone trusted, like your partner, family or friends. They can remind you what you’re doing well, and offer suggestions to help adjust your mindset and reduce future outbursts.
It’s important to take some time out to protect your wellbeing, where possible, too. This can help you to take a step back from any tantrum-related trauma, collect your energy and reduce your stress levels. Take some time to move your body and do things that make you feel like yourself. Whether it’s a brisk walk with the dog, or watching a feel-good TV show.
Family mental health support
Sometimes, it might feel especially difficult to tackle your child’s emotions, which may make it more difficult to manage your own.
If things are feeling particularly difficult to cope with – for example, if you’re finding it hard to keep control or find it’s impossible to think straight - seeking help from a health professional may give you the extra help and support to cope with your feelings in a healthy way.
Family Lives’ forum
It can be useful to join specialist resources, like Family Lives’ forum, too.
These safe online spaces can give you an outlet share what you’re going through with fellow parents, too, and help highlight if how you’re feeling is out of the ordinary.
1 Sisterhen LL, Wy PAW, Temper Tantrums, January 2024.
2 Byrne S, Sledge H, Franklin R on behalf of the CORAL Study group, et al. Social communication skill attainment in babies born during the COVID-19 pandemic: a birth cohort study. Archives of Disease in Childhood, 2023.
