Bullying
- The facts
- What is bullying?
- Is your child being bullied?
- Talking to your child about bullying
- Dealing with bullying
- When your child is a bully
- Susannah's story
The facts
Rather than toughening children up, being bullied can leave them feeling vulnerable and depressed. It can also leave lifelong emotional scars, so it's important to take bullying seriously.
What is bullying?
Bullying is behaviour that aims to hurt other people physically or emotionally. It can take many different forms: pushing, punching or kicking; damaging or stealing property; name-calling, teasing and threats; ignoring or excluding others; and sending intimidating texts or emails.
Is your child being bullied?
A child who is being bullied may:
- become withdrawn, depressed, anxious or "emotional"
- become aggressive, rude or disobedient
- stop eating properly
- in rare cases, become suicidal
Your child may also:
- pretend to be ill in order to avoid school
- begin truanting
- suddenly change his route to school
- keep "losing" money and other possessions
- start to steal
- fall behind with school work
- come home with unexplained cuts, bruises and scratches and/or with damaged clothing or equipment
- begin to bully siblings or other children
Talking to your child about bullying
If your child tells you that he is being bullied, sit down and listen carefully - he or she needs to know they are being taken seriously. You may well feel angry and upset, but try to stay calm and give your child plenty of opportunity to talk. Reassure your child that it is not their fault and that they have done the right thing in telling you. Make a note of what your child has told you - names, times and places - and of any further bullying incidents.
If you suspect that your child is being bullied, but is not willing to talk to you about it, try asking his friends (or their parents) whether something is wrong. You could also suggest that your child talks to another trusted adult or an expert, perhaps at a charity such as Kidscape or ChildLine (see Support).
Dealing with bullying
Talk to your child about what he or she would like to do next. It's important not to jump into action if this is not what your child wants. Suggest a time limit for the situation to resolve - say two weeks - after which you will involve the school.
In the meantime, help your child to find strategies to deal with the problem. Could he or she walk to school with a friend or catch a different bus? Advise your child to ignore the person or group of children who are bullying them or to say "No" calmly and firmly to demands. Try not to be over-protective - by driving him or her to school, for example - as this may only encourage the bullying behaviour.
If your child is happy for you to take things further, make an appointment to see his class teacher or perhaps another teacher with whom they are particularly comfortable. Ask to see the school's policy on bullying (all schools should have one) and for help in confronting the problem.
If you are not happy with the school's response, talk to the headteacher and parent governor. If all else fails, contact your local education authority (LEA). There are a number of steps you will need to take before the LEA acts on your behalf, but organisations such as Kidscape can help you through the process.
When your child is a bully
Parents often do not know that their child is bullying other children. You may be unaware of the problem until another parent or teacher draws it to your attention.
You may find it hard to believe that your child is a bully, but if you find out, or suspect, that your child may be bullying others, it's important to think about why they are behaving like this. It's possible that your child is reacting to a recent upset or disruption, problems at home, for example. Talk to your child and also to their teachers at school. Together you can try to reach a solution - looking through the school's bullying policy with your child may be helpful.
Susannah's story
Susannah Marriott is mum to Millie, seven
"It started when Millie stopped eating her school packed lunch. I asked her why and she said it was because she had to get out of the dinner hall quickly after lunch, but wouldn't tell me anything else.
A few weeks later, she admitted that she hid in the toilets during lunch-hour because another, older girl was picking on her in the playground. I spoke to Millie's teacher who was very understanding. She immediately went and spoke to the girl's teacher, who in turn talked to the girl. The two teachers also made bullying a discussion topic in class. All the other teachers and dinner ladies were told, too, and would encourage Millie to eat her lunch or fetch her from the toilets if she went and hid. It was great to know that so many people were looking out for her. It took a long time for Millie to recover, but she's doing really well now."